Wanted: Nice mountain home with no neighbors/cops and kind moose only.

The house hunting has begun!  We didn't have many requirements on our first search, we were just excited to be looking, however that quickly changed into the following list of qualities we want in a home/neighborhood.

1. It has to have at least a 2 car garage. We both have a car we drive daily, we are restoring a '54 Ford and then there is the Harley. Anything smaller is not acceptable.
2. I scope out the neighbors. Are they pedophiles? When you have a kid, everyone looks like a pedophile. If we have a party are they going to call the cops? Cops are a huge bummer at parties. That's why we don't invite them ourselves, so you can see how the neighbors doing it for us is an issue. Not that we have a lot of parties, but when we do, I don't want it to be interrupted by cops. Or neighbors. Was my issue the neighbors or the cops? I forget.
3. Should we move to another suburb or drive 30 miles away and live on an acre away from it all? Living in the mountains would be a dream for all of us.. No neighbors/cops. The fresh air. More room for activities. We love activities. The possibility of deer, elk, moose, and other wild life to wander onto our property. How awesome would that be? I mean as long as I am not chased by either an elk or moose. They are mean mother fuckers. The moose. I am not sure about the elk. Deer seem passive, but given the chance to drop kick someone I am sure they would. I will have to keep the dog on a leash. Or teach him the ways of the moose/elk/deer/or skunk! Dear God what if he gets sprayed by a skunk?! I will need to stock up on tomato juice and vinegar. That reminds me I need to renew my Costco card.
4. We need at least 3 bedrooms. Especially if we move to the mountains. More room for guests after parties.
5. Fireplaces. HAVE to have a fireplace. We live in Utah for heck sake. Our winters are cold and nasty at times and a cozy fire is a must for keeping our sanity.
6. Our home can't be within 500 feet of an apartment building or business. Apartments bring more traffic, more strangers/pedophiles, and increase the amount of neighbors.

So it boils down to we want a 3 bedroom home, 2 car garage, on at least an acre, in the mountains, away from cop calling neighbors and/or pedophiles. I will submit this list to our realtor.

*Note that I don't have an issue with neighbors or cops. I just prefer not to be approached by either.
** Also note that I don't scientifically know if moose are mean mother fuckers. That may be species stereo typing and I could later face a lawsuit on behalf of moose activists that feel I spoke unfairly about such a majestic animal that given the chase would indeed stomp my ass.

Off to look at more houses.